when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
