there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
