Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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