Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
