It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"