i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
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