I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
