I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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