did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
