we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You are a genius and a whore.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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