on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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