I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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