I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
