I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
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