i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
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