Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
