why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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