He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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