do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
