i just sent this text using only my big toe
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
