we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
