I think I died a long time ago.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
