god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
