I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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