I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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