..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
