I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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