I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
