it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
