Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
