I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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