apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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