a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
