True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
