Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
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