Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
