Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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