I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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