I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
