Will you blow on my dice?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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