I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
