I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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