A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
