i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
