Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
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