Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize