Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
