I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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