I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
