Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
