So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
