Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Randomize
