I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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