Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
