in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
