remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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