i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
