Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
