Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
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