I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
