Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
