It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
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