I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
