dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
cat food counts as protein by the way
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
