I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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