I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
