xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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