His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Sober January is a disaster.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
