You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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