Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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