just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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